I feel as if I am going though a break up. Not just any break up though, like I've been dumped. Not just dumped, dumped by a super model. I have tasted super model dating (ew, tasted) and now have to go back down to my league.
On Friday, after a great run, I get a phone call from my advisor at USC. I am not initially alarmed for the call but after she left a message about me returning the call and use of the words, "important," and "urgant." I had to call her back. She informed me that I had recieved a B-in on of my classes at SC. I knew I would get that grade (in my other class, I got an A) and didn't see why that was phone call worthy. She then informs me that due to conditions placed upon my acceptance to the university I cannot get any grade lower than a B. I was unaware of these conditions, but that was my fault, I did not fully read my intent to enroll paper work. Well, shit. After throwing an object or two, and wiping the tears from my eyes. I just get in my car and drive. I wind up in Pasadena. During the car ride I thought about all of the things I had: A five year plan, a place in one of the best teacher education programs in the country, and a future. I also thought about all of the things I have left: A part time job....and no place to call my own. That makes me a barely employed 24 year old living with his parents...yep, epically pathetic. After my stint and ULV and USC, I find myself having spent $26,000 on grade school and absolutely nothing to show for it. I have passed all of the required tests to be credentialed but now I have to apply to new programs, many of the deadlines for fall start dates have passed, and retake the same boring classes that I mastered in AmeriCorps, even before I started grad school. Experience, test scores, talent...all of these things mean nothing if you don't have a piece of paper that says you sat through boring classes learning very little and spending very much. I'm far from happy about the situation...well, really, everything. I'm incredibly jaded with teacher education programs. I remember now that UCLA and SU denaied my last year and I was forced to take the ugly girl to prom by going to ULV...after I made out with the hot girl, USC, for a month or so, I now have to go looking for another troll of an education program that will accpt my history of failure.
On the outside: I find myself telling people that I will get over it. I just have to keep moving and keep trying, trying to find light in the dark.
HOWEVER....
On the inside: I am living in a pit of self dispar and depression. I cannot be left alone with my thoughts too long or I'll go crazy. I'm trying to keep constant stimuli in front of me for distraction, but sadly I can't read yet because my mind takes over and I get even more down on myself. I am not mad at me or SC....I just feel worthless.... I feel like the cheerio left floating in the milk after all the other cheerios have been bite, eaten....BITE ME!
I feel as if the dash at the end of the B-, is like a grammatical Brutus stabbing me in the back, ruining everything.
Random factoid: So far, the only plan I've liked is just buying a one way ticket to somewhere in South America and never looking back...sadly, I'm not that implusive.
La Cultura cura...even this
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